AN OPEN LETTER TO JUDY FINNIGAN FROM A MULTIPLE RAPE SURVIVOR
Judy Finnigan’s Opinion
"He's served his time. The rape and I am not,
please, by any means minimising any kind of rape - but the rape was not violent,” Judy stated. “He
didn’t cause any bodily harm to the person."
"It was unpleasant, in a
hotel room, I believe, and she was – she had far
too much to drink,” Judy said. “And you know, that is reprehensible, but
he has been convicted and he has served his time.
"Now when he comes out, what are we supposed to
do? Just actually refuse to let him do his job? Again,
even though he has already been punished?"
Dear Judy Finnigan,
After watching you make LIVE comments about RAPE on Loose Woman (ITV1 UK) this past Monday 13th October, I
was obliged to write this letter. Your comments were made live so you cannot
make any excuse and say they were edited and taken out of context. What you
said was grossly negligent, inappropriate, insensitive, misleading and
distressing to rape survivors and the public at large! Whether you acknowledge it
or not you are in the public eye, a well respected media figure and a mother,
you have the responsibility to ensure what you say or do doesn’t trivialize such
a horrific and prevalent crime. You even compared rape to PERJURY? Are you
serious? Rape survivors have a hard enough time finding the courage to report
to the police, being believed and suffering through a court case. Then only to see the rapist set free afterwards
or being given a minor sentence. A light sentence can re-traumatize a rape victim
who has to witness their rapist having a new care free life! It should be noted
my letter is not focused on the Ched Evans case, as I do not enough about the
case and I prefer not to discuss a case I am not 100% informed about. My
mission is through my own experiences of rape to explain what I believe is rape
and how it impacted on my life and hopefully bring awareness, educate and
change the attitude and opinion of the public and law makers.
While I believe you were not
being malicious I do believe your choice of words about rape were extremely negligent,
inappropriate, insensitive & misleading;
1.
It begs the question have you ever been raped and can
therefore make any statement on how a person feels about being raped? Have you
had a person very close to you raped and witnessed the trauma? (God forbid!!!)
; Have you ever gone to a rape centre and talked to survivors and had one say “My rape was ok because it was not
violent?”
2.
I was personally very distressed and had I been at the
stage of deciding to confide in someone I would have changed my mind and
considered suicide as an option as I had many times whenever I have heard rape
or child sexual abuse being trivialized by grading or victim blaming. I am
stronger than most and I was still very distressed and offended! NOW IMAGINE what
someone more vulnerable than me would feel or do when hearing your comments in
the media?
3.
While you have received a backlash and apologised…the
damage is done and the impact of the “choice of words” you used has brought out
people on social media who have NEVER BEEN RAPED (or have a close person to
them raped) come up with insensitive and uninformed opinion that rape can be
graded/trivialised or that a victim can somehow contribute to their rape
(victim blaming).
4.
I have since read online, some very horrific
desensitized views of rape (even by women) that say a rape in a hotel room or
by someone you know is not as bad as a stalker in the park with a knife? While
you are not responsible for other peoples’ twisted behavior, it has caused a
ripple of very vocal rape apologists and you have given impetus for rape (and pedophile)
apologists and perverts to think it is okay to have ‘non-violent’ sex or if a
person is intoxicated in some way they put themselves at risk of rape or could
not have experienced the trauma of rape as a conscious person!
5.
The law is clear if someone was not “too intoxicated”
to give consent to sex IT IS RAPE! NOT ‘non-violent rape’, not ‘unpleasant
rape’ not ‘hotel rape’ not ‘familiar person rape’ …just a horrible life ruining
traumatic RAPE. The responsibility lies purely on the rapist....he (or she) has
the responsibility NOT to have sex with someone too intoxicated to have sex. If
a ‘private part’ of one person (hand or object) enters the orifice of another
person without consent IT IS VIOLENT!
6.
My opinion is that you came across as a RAPIST
APOLOGIST and SYMPATHISER? Is there room for sympathy for such a horrific
crime? How can you be so concerned about the welfare of a convicted rapist (or
any criminal) and yet did not make any comment showing empathy for victims.
What about the welfare of the victim following the ordeal and trauma? Why are
you not concerned about their future prospects or the support s/he is going to
need to heal her/his emotional wounds and physical wounds (which you seem to
think are not violent). Even one fellow Loose Women panel member, mentioned ‘no-one
has mentioned the victim here?’. Personally the future of a rapist doesn’t keep
me awake at night?
7.
At a time of recession when rape centres, charities, community
centres, victim support projects and mental health services are closing or
being downsized and good staff being overworked, why are you concerned about
criminals being able to get a job? Surely the message should be DON’T COMMIT A
CRIME in the first place or face the consequences. Crime should come with a
heavy deterrent and not entitlement. Just because a rapist has served their
time it doesn’t mean they have been rehabilitated. Rape and abuse are crimes
about hate, humilation and power and those mindsets are difficult to
rehabilitate.
8.
As far as I am concerned any adult who commits a crime
should not expect sympathy or favour from the authorities or public at large. A
percentage of justice could be when they admit their crime, are remorseful,
make reparations to their victim, hear victim impact reports and continue to
live a life where they make up for the distress, trauma and life ruining
circumstances they caused. In the case of pedophiles for example, they should
request chemical castration as they will never stop perversions regarding
vulnerable children.
9.
There are law abiding, harmless and kind human beings
that go through tough times in life whether victims or just people leading a
normal life and yet no one cares if they continue to have a good basic life
after troubling times. An example would be decent law abiding people who
suffered financial disasters during the global financial crisis or natural
disasters like floods or earthquakes. So spare me and stop the “OH THE POOR
RAPIST/CRIMINAL NEEDS A JOB AFTER PRISON” mentality! We as society have no
obligation to reach out to criminals who harm other people. We can but it is
not an inalienable right it is a privilege, and it’s the victims choice first
and our choice 2nd to decide whether they have shown enough remorse,
if the offence is forgiveable and if we want to work or live near rapists.
10.
One of the first rules taught about rape and child
sexual abuse within therapy and survivor support groups is to never grade/minimize
or trivialize rape or abuse. We are counseled to never say my rape or abuse
experience is worse or better than his/hers! It is all considered violent and a
violation of our bodies with lifelong physical and emotional trauma. I can
personally testify that as a multiple victim of rape that I could not
distinguish the trauma felt from each rape. All the rapes were violent, caused
bodily harm and ruined any chances of me ever leading a normal life. What I do
have is an amazing natural resilience, strength and anger that did not want to
let evil people ruin my life forever.
MY EXPERIENCE OF RAPE, SEXUAL
ASSAULTS AND CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE
I am a survivor of rape/sexual assault in every decade of my life due to
my mother being abusive, violent and neglectful. I was raped and sexual abused
from the age of 3 until the age of 12 by multiple abusers. Between age 3-5
years I lived in another country and I was sexually assaulted by groups of boys
as I was often left alone. Age 6-12 in Brussels I was sexually abused by 3
abusers. One of the abusers was a high
profile diplomat at the European Union from the 70s-80s and was a ring leader
in a pedophile ring in Brussels. He repeatedly raped his daughter and his young
wife too. As if life was not bad enough at age 8 I was sexually assaulted by a
stranger in a cinema where my mother had left my brother and I alone. At age 10 my spirit was truly broken when a
family friend raped me while we vacationed with them during the summer. I
wanted to die! Luckily at age 12 we moved country and I lived mostly with a
good loving uncle. I thought it was over but letting my guard down was a
mistake because at age 15 when I thought I may have overcome my trauma I was
sexually assaulted by a boyfriend who was frustrated because I wanted to wait I
was sure we had a genuine meaningful relationship. My vulnerability did make me
an easy target for sexual harassment, innuendos and bullying, which made life
hard but somehow I had the strength to pursue many passions and hobbies. Sadly in my 20s and 30s there were 2 sexual
assaults incidences that did break me and changed my personality. I was still
determined to be kind and charitable to others but I stopped connecting and
engaging with people because fear took over and I was engulfed with anger,
depression, anxiety, disassociation, stress and physical illnesses.
If I were to go by “your” definition of rape Judy (not mine), I would
say 3 of my rapes came with immediate violence and threats of violence or death
(with 1 abuser being a repeated rapist in the same method). However I have
never then or now graded which rape was worse by “your definition” of “violence”
because they all affected me equally. This is because each was an abuse, a
violation of my sexual rights, degradation and violent because of how it
affected me physically, emotionally, psychologically and socially. I didn’t
understand ‘normal’ boundaries for a long time because mine had been grossly
distorted from age 3. I have found it
difficult to relate to people and have healthy relationships. I am often
bullied because people think I am cold. I have had serious self esteem issues,
body dysmorphia and years of self hate and shame. This led to bulimia from age
10 where I binged and purged. I used
diet pills and laxatives from my teens until adulthood. I got eventually got
help for the bulimia and stopped purging but continued to binge to hide the
pain and emotions. This in turn has caused obesity and serious health risks. Sexual
relationships have always been very difficult if I didn’t have an immediate
intense connection or a feeling of 100% trust because of paranoia that my
partner might be a predator even if not towards me. I have had regular
breakdowns and times of distress which have meant holding down and 9-5 job and
having a stable career was virtually impossible. Rejection also devastates me
as if feels like a confirmation that I am unlovable and revolting because of my
rape history.
Due to my family being complicit to my abuse I have never experienced
pure lasting love and affection or had a guaranteed fall back position and have
forced myself to work when I should have been in respite and therapy. This has
caused my mental health to deteriorate over time and regularly experience PTSD,
Disassociation, Depression, Anxiety and disturbing physical symptoms. I have very
vivid traumatic nightmares, flashbacks, paranoia, and agoraphobia and times of
uncontrollable fits of crying. I have attempted suicide twice but thankfully the
universe still wants me to live…and won’t give my abusers the satisfaction of
destroying me. Whilst I am now getting help and healing slowly, I have had high
anxiety and stress since age 3 due to being consistently in flight or fight
mode due to extreme fear of my own family and other human beings. I also had to
sacrifice not having children because I wanted to break the cycle of abuse. Now
I also have a life threatening illness due to long term ill health. I have
never really enjoyed life or had a break from trauma just snippets of relief
and a courageous exterior to keep my horrible secret from the outside world.
I ask you Judy, I am a survivor or rape why are you not more concerned
about my rehabilitation? Why are you not concerned about assistance for me and
my right to heal properly without the looming threat of eviction or to go
without food. I have to work when I can, respect the law and follow rules to
just survive even if in the long term in harms my healing process. I abide by
the rules of society and have to put my wants and needs as a survivor second. Even
in my distress I resist doing anything remotely unlawful because I don’t want
to pay the consequences. WHERE is my help for rehabilitation (healing)? WHERE
is my re-engagement into society without fear of rape or abuse again? WHERE is
my protection? WHERE is my guaranteed job whilst I heal from my life long
trauma? Is there a programme that can help survivors or rape/sexual assault/
abuse to be hired in a manner where they can take time off for all the help
they require or take extended time off without fear of being laid off? If I am
being mistreated at work or any other formal environment is there a special
service for survivors to get special assistance without every Tom, Dick and
Harry knowing about a very private sexual related crime and trauma? Do I
deserve to suffer humiliation, shame and sexual innuendos because of a horrible
experience I had not choice in unlike criminals? I don’t but I have experienced
these reactions from family members, so called friends, in the work place and
with some professionals.
In conclusion Judy Finnigan, everything I have experienced has been
VIOLENT and caused PHYSICAL HARM and has not just been UNPLEASANT no matter the
circumstances. I plead with you and anyone else in the public eye to be
responsible with their words in future and spare survivors any further pain. Do
not use words that trivialize a horrific crime like rape.
Judy’s apology - "I apologise unreservedly for any offence that I may
have caused as a result of the wording I used."
As a multiple rape survivor I DO NOT ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY as it is
stands, because your comments have already caused massive offence and distress.
It is not something you can take back once the damage is done. Your comments
continue to perpetuate a fear that the grading/minimising of rape might put me
in further danger of humans who believe like you some rape is non-violent and
just unpleasant and if a woman acts in a certain manner they contribute to
their rape. If you a rapist apologist
and sympathizer in any manner you therefore have no empathy for the nightmare
life I have endured due to rape. It’s a free country and you are entitled to an
opinion but I hope the backlash has made you re-think your choice of words. Just
because you are asked an opinion it doesn’t mean you need to make a comment and
a controversial one to boot. Yes I know Loose Women is a talk show and social
commentary job but some areas are a ‘no go’ area. After all it’s not like you
desperately need the Loose Women job. It is a big shame because I was a huge
fan of yours after following your days presentings This Morning, Richard and
Judy and also your book club. I personally
believe you need to do more than
apologise and at least make a gesture and donate a decent chunk of your Loose Women
salary to a rape charity so that people who are suffering can get some help.
That being said I do not think you should be sacked, you are now in a
position to apologise in a better manner, clarify and put out a message that
any form or rape is violent and not acceptable. We all have a duty to do
something to break the cycle of hate, humiliation and violence related to rape
and abuse. I also send you my sincere sympathy for the threats sent to you and
your family especially the threats of rape towards your daughter Chloe. I do
not approve of trolling and threats of any violence there is a better way to
engage with someone to make this a better society to live in.
Please understand even though I was very disturbed by your comments, I
am not angry with you personally. I try my best not to hang on to negative
emotions because they affected me adversely. This is a much wider society issue
that I feel something drastic needs to be done and I hope I can be a part of it
before I die. I hope you don’t take it personally but understand that your
‘choice of words’ can affect the wider public and bring out very strong
emotions. Let’s all learn something from this and make a positive contribution
to humanity that will eradicate violence of any form. Lastly, take one positive
from this letter, the distress I felt from reading comments sympathetic to rapists
and pedophiles has given me a renewed resilience and courage to re-engage with
society to do something to change attitudes towards rape and its effects on
survivors. I had a breakdown this summer and contemplated suicide but I chose
to live and have debated now for weeks whether I need to step up and take
action or just sit and watch as others do something positive to break the cycle
of violence. I have chosen to write my
autobiography and become a blogger and social commentator on issues related to
child abuse, rape and crime.
Yours sincerely
H.L Antoine (name has been changed to protect the identity of a
survivor)
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