MY STORY

Who am I?

I am a survivor, a woman, a mature adult, well educated, intelligent, honest and had to be very strong in adversity.

If you can imagine the worst things that could ever happen to you, I most probably experience all of them. Whilst I am an atheist there are times I have believed maybe I was cursed spiritually because no one individual could ever experience so much trauma in one life time. I should have been an actress because I have managed to hide my horrible secrets from family members and the outside world for so long. Initially it was shame, then it was fear of not being believed because my own mother and my abusers covered their tracks very well. Even after I cut off my family for the continued psychological abuse I felt I couldn’t tell some trusted relatives on my dad’s side of my family because it would distress them and they wouldn’t know how to react or help. After all even people without trauma have difficult issues to deal with in life and adding my very heavy issues would be an insurmountable burden.

Why now?

I have a serious life threatening illness and it has made me assess my life and re-evaluate my priorities. I have had a few scary experiences health wise these last 12 months I feel I have nothing to lose right now and no one to protect from making my story public. I am very scared but even when I do nothing I am still very scared of the world. I have been so scared that I have attempted suicide twice and have had very strong feelings about suicide as recent as 3 weeks ago. But now I am more scared that I will leave this life an insignificant person with no legacy. I may never get justice for the abuse I endured but at least the world should know what horrors can happen behind closed doors.  I have been in various therapies and treatments for 8 years now and I feel I have exhausted the means of recovery. I have been told a few times that therapies are for guidance and you have to find ways to heal yourself and to move away from your past. It is much more difficult when you don’t have any family in your day to day life, or close family or personal friends to help you progress and follow up on everything you learn. I endured various types of abuse due to incitement or neglect from my family and people I know. 

MY STORY
Between the ages of 6-12 I was sexually assaulted by a powerful diplomat at the European Union. It was made worse by the fact that my mother (a single woman) participated in this atrocity against me (and most probably other children) as part of an organised diplomatic paedophile ring. They used to host regular porn parties, swingers parties and orgies to satisfy their perverted sexual deviances and debauchery. I was unable to say anything because I was petrified of my mother and other adults around me. I was frequently molested and abused and threatened. I was beaten and psychologically abused by my mother to instill more fear in me so I would never speak of my nightmare. These monsters were so condifent because they were diplomats and knew they were above the law. The most that could happen to them would be that they would be deported. They preyed on the very vulnerable, either children, teenagers, desperately poor women or domestic servants of diplomats. I am very sure if I had said anything I would not be alive today. The man who abused me viciously and longer threatened to kill me had attemped to kill his very young wife after years of raping her too. His own daughter later killed herself after he raped her well into her mid-20s. I was also left alone whilst my mother travelled abroad for days, a whole week and one time for 2 weeks. This has caused me to have extreme anxiety and PTSD symptoms all my life because I lived in fear every minute 24/7 from childhood up to the age of 18. Death was always on the horizon because I always feared I would be killed if anyone was a threat or I would commit suicide because I couldn't take the emotional pain anymore! The police and social services did turn up at our house several times over the years for several reasons. However they left as soon as they found out my mother was a diplomat. As young as I was I knew what that meant and therefore never dared say anything because I knew the police and social services wouldn't do anything. Over the years I have had breakdowns and spoken to people who I thought were "safe" but they always told my mother, not knowing she was such a monster. After I realised I couldn't trust anyone anymore and they put me in danger I decided to just keep quiet and concentrate on healing and therapy. I am at the stage that I know I can't go back to my old self feeling shame and blocking my ordeal like it didn't happen. I am older and need to share my story to stop diplomats abusing children or at least give the courage for others to tell someone and get help.